A Waste of Heart
by R Amythest
Summary: In a dark environment, a certain spirit reflects upon his guilt. And then... he is given his last chance. Will he blow it like before?


R Amythest: ;_; I'm feeling kinda depressed today... so I'm writing this. Go ahead, read this as it is! From beginning to end, you'll catch who it is and who the person is talking about, believe me! ^_~  
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Darkness surrounds me... and now is my time to reflect. Immeasurable guilt fills me... as I long for him... once again... Not in pain... but in desire. But he's gone... all those times I took for granted seem precious, now that I reflect... all the times I considered him the most pathetic thing on Earth... Now I realize, he's the one that I needed most.  
  
Swirling, tumbling, thrashing... dark lighting crashing around in this place, the Shadow Realm. I've long since stopped trying to escape. It was absolutely useless... my hikari no longer had the ring, and the ring could no longer find him, for he was...  
  
gone.  
  
The realm seems to strike the word, lashing it and disintergerating it to small bits of existance, blowing it into my mind. I shriek and bury my head onto the ground... only to find there is none. The realm is just energy... I don't fall, yet I don't rise. Like I am suspended. I let out an empty sigh, just like the depressed ones my hikari gave way back then before...  
  
it.  
  
I grit my teeth. It wasn't my fault, was it?! No, it was his! It was his decision! A wasted life is a wasted life, and he wasted it, frankly, so for all I care why should I be feeling guilty?!  
  
Because... he was driven.  
  
Like all things... depression was to be directed into. Insanity or depression... either one. I sigh and bury my head into my knees... at least it's one thing that's solid. Now, who drove him? The knife! Yeah, that's it! The knife! Nothing else! I tried cheering myself up, reminding myself it had no relation to me...  
  
He loves me.  
  
I scream and flail in the suspended time, finally settling to sob on empty space. The fact's disturbing... way too disturbing to ever forget. If this is me... how would he feel? I let a small smirk form on my lips, at the fact that he couldn't die twice, then instantly blew it away with another sigh. As strange as it sounded... he loved me when I was utterly disgusted with him. He believed I was good for something even when I beat him to an inch of his life...! I've knocked him unconscious before and lost track of how many times at 24! And even... there was the heartbreaking time he avoided telling about me, the ring, and the broken arm... that resulted in a 15% deduction... and I know how much he loves his grade. I must've been blind not to notice it... that he prevented the obliviation of my presence. I muffle a squeak, closing my eyes and burying my face into my arms...  
  
He saved my chaotic and sinister @** more than twice, and I pay him with a shower of cuts.  
  
It's true... the night after the shadow game between the oh-so-conpusious pharaoh and I, where he played the stunt with the Change of Heart and all, I came back... and just guess who had to hide his limp all day. He could've easily told pharaoh and brat, but he didn't. At the time, I thought it was because it didn't hurt. Hah, I was fooling myself back then... his mind link was screaming like crazy. It could've been that I would've pummeled him more, or that I would come back... I told myself that that was it, but somewhat, at the back of my mind...   
  
I doubted it. And now...   
  
I've always tried to block off the feeling, but I owe him bigtime. Not only for what I've did to him, but for what he did to me. There was a flu going around the house (his dad brought it back from Hong Kong) and I caught it. Lucky him didn't. Wows, he should've been delighted and sealed me off into the depths of the ring. But he didn't... and what he did was the most touching of all. His room wasn't especially large, but big enough, so he had a queen size bed (one time I told him the name was appropriate.) I can't remember clearly, as my mind was still hazy, but that night... I remember the softest voice and gentlest hands cradling me to sleep. I let a small smile creep onto my face, but quickly brushed it off and sighed, remembering what I did to him while I was well... One time Ryou let it pass that I was kinda cute when I was sick and slept. I beat him pretty bad for that one. But one time that night, I had woke up while the tenshi[1] slept. His face was utterly serene, wisps of pale hair brushing against his closed eyelids, his body slowly rising and falling with his breath. He ws awfully warm, and that night... I let my feelings run free, and I hugged him back.  
  
And that was the only night I did so... the only night he was mine...  
  
For right after my recovery, it was mean ol' me. I could clearly remember the tears gathering in the tips of his overly large eyes, and whisper, "Why?" Then his tears would get too heavy. The liquid would drop, and then he would speak again. "Why are you hiding everything from me?" I didn't understand back then... but I do now...  
  
In all memory.  
  
It was a matter of years back now. Centuries, no, milleniums would be more like it, ago, he was there. But exactly 4999 years ago... the fated leering blade's tip contacted with my tenshi's vein of life[2]...  
  
And he was no more.  
  
He did it all because of a belief that didn't exist. But it did in his. If only I'd realized sooner, I wouldn't be here... and in a way, neither would my guilt. So I'm responsible for my own pain, I should take it on my own... but for the pain my hikari took, it's my fault, too. If there was only a way to say I was sorry, to cradle him and tell him that I did truly return his emotions...  
  
Too late, isn't it?  
  
A wasted life is recarnated 5000 years later... a wasted heart is heavy through turmoil of the mind and soul... completely unhappy through all generations... left to suffer. And to believe...  
  
I caused it.  
  
But now... I see a faint speck of light, approaching me from afar. It's beautiful to see, after all these years of darkness. My eyes had trouble adjusting, and I peeked out from cracks between my hands. There was a flash, and I let out a small squeaky sound. I shook my head furiously, glad to be out of the ring- breathing air, smelling the wonderful smell of another reincarnation... and I promise myself...  
  
I won't waste this chance again.  
  
Aishiteru, Ryou.  
@  
[1] tenshi- angel in Japanese! ^_^  
  
[2] In Ancient Egypt, the middle finger of your left hand is the so-called 'vein of life,' because it led to the heart  
R Amythest: Ah... no better way to take out your stress than writing... so review! If I get enough, I might do it in little tenshi's POV ^_~ you know... the new one! Or, tell me if you want me to make it into a whole story! REVIEW! ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^  
PS: lucky me has a cousin who has the same birthday as Ryou! It's September 2! 


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